Bullying In Retirement Homes A Real, Underreported Problem

Exclusion and ostracism are more often than not considered playground problems, but abuse isn't limited to younger age groups.

Doris Lor, a retirement community member living in Chandler, Arizona has been met with bullying by community members since she moved into her home in 2003, according to ABC News.

Lor, who lives in a community of about 1,100 residents 55 years and older, says she's been barred from using the community's clubhouse by a group of residents. She now regrets not renting her home, as she feels the hassle associated with moving may be too much for her.

"There is a clique here that is meaner than mean," Lor told the Arizona Republic. "The first time I went to the recreation center, a man yelled at me, 'This is a private club. You aren't welcome here.' "

Lor's case isn't an isolated incident. While many senior centers have codes of conduct and established rules, bullying among seniors still occurs, both verbally and nonverbally.

From the Arizona Republic:

Melanie Starns, an assistant Arizona Department of Economic Security director overseeing the Aging and Adult Services Division, said her staff often hears stories about bullying, but they do not keep statistics on them.

"It's a pretty big deal. The mean girls were there in school and as we get older, they are still around," she said.

In some cases the problems may be caused by dementia or any number of problems that may arise along with old age, Ken Budd, executive editor of AARP, The Magazine told ABC News.

Nationally, bullying among seniors is an issue. When the Akron Beacon Journal held a call-in about bullying in Northern Ohio following incidents that grabbed national attention, they were surprised about the number of seniors calling in, reported the Republic.

Azcentral

How to Talk to Your Parents About the Estate Tax

When 2010 ends, the estate tax will return. Talking about it could save your family a huge tax bill

Bringing up the estate tax with your aging parents can be as awkward as inquiring after their sex life—or worse, because it could imply that you are chiefly interested in your inheritance. But making sure that they understand the current complexities of the law will help their money end up where they want it.

Talking about estate taxes is especially important right now, since the federal estate tax doesn't exist this year because of a legal quirk. Next year it's back, with an exemption of only $1 million (down from $3.5 million in 2009), unless Congress acts. That means navigating the ebb and flow of tax rates will require some complex maneuvering. Lawyers warn that the wrong wording in a will could inadvertently leave a spouse no money or accidentally award everything to an ex-wife, for example. Ignoring the issue could also mean giving Uncle Sam a big chunk of one's estate inadvertently.

Bringing up the topic isn't easy. Adult children often fear appearing like money-grubbing kids, while older adults prefer to avoid the topic altogether. Here's some advice from two experts: Alexandra Armstrong, financial planner at Armstrong, Fleming & Moore in Washington, and Deborah Jacobs, author of Estate Planning Smarts.

Don't be afraid to talk about it. As older adults increasingly turn to their children for help managing their finances, Armstrong says she sees more frankness concerning difficult money topics. One of her clients who is in his 80s delegates his financial affairs to his daughter, who told him that if they don't take action, a lot of his money will unnecessarily go toward taxes when he dies. That kind of logical approach can work best, Armstrong says.

Use a celebrity as a conversation starter. Jacobs suggests bringing up the recent death of a celebrity, such as George Steinbrenner. Since he died in 2010, his heirs won't need to pay the federal estate tax. You could say something like, "But next year, little people like us will have to worry about it," since the exemption falls to $1 million, says Jacobs.

You can also use yourself as an example to broach the topic. If you just updated your wills, mention to your parents how you did it. You can say something along the lines of, "It's amazing than in 2011, a young couple like us needs to be concerned about the estate tax," she says. That gives parents an opening to discuss their concerns. Giving them a financial planning book or article can also get the conversation going.

Table the issue if your parents don't want to discuss it. "If they don't want to talk about money, then you need to drop it and accept that this is not something you should pursue," says Jacobs. Some parents who grew up during or before World War II look forward to paying taxes, she says, and feel it's irresponsible to try to minimize them.

The main question, says Jacobs, is, "Can you have this conversation without damaging your relationship?" Because ultimately, it's the memory of the relationship that lasts, and the money is far less important. "If you have tense times towards the end of your parents' life because you're talking about estate planning, it will stay with you forever, and it's just not worth it," she says.

Acknowledge the uncertainty of the situation. Even financial planners admit that they don't know what's going to happen. No one knows whether Congress will take action to change the law before 2010 is over, Armstrong points out. In fact, many lawyers and advisors assumed that Congress would not have waited as long as it has. The uncertainty means that it's hard even for experts to recommend the best course of action; many estate plans now include contingences for all possibilities.

Talk about different options—not just giving you more money now. It's true that one of the easiest ways to reduce a taxable estate is to give money away early, before death. But not everyone can afford to do that, especially considering that no one knows how long he or she will live. That's why Armstrong only recommends this strategy to people with significant ($3 million plus) in assets who are living off a reliable source of income such as a pension. Suggesting this approach to parents can seem like asking for a handout, so tread carefully with this strategy.

Emphasize the importance of financial stability. "Everybody's worried about outliving their money," says Armstrong. The No. 1 goal is to ensure that aging parents can support themselves. Starting the conversation that way can keep the focus on that priority. "Say, 'I wonder if we should go over your finances together. I want to make sure you have enough money,'" she says.

Suggest some simple steps. For people with estates large enough to be subject to the estate tax (next year, anything over $1 million, pending Congressional action), meeting with a financial advisor can be useful. Other strategies include giving money away, including paying directly for educational or medical expenses, creating a trust, and converting traditional retirement accounts into Roth IRAs.

Remember that it's not your money. In the current tough economic climate, adult children might be tempted to look longingly at their parents' cash and think how great it would be to have it as a cushion to support their own lives. But Jacobs says it's important for adult children to remind themselves that it's their parents' money, not theirs. Jacobs says it might help to emphasize that if it were up to you, you'd want your parents to live it up and spend every last dime of their money while they're still living. "Be sure to get across the point that you don't have designs on their money," she says.


Money. UsNews

Should You Pay a Relative to Take Care of Mom?

Should You Pay a Relative to Take Care of Mom?

Growing numbers of families are compensating relatives who serve as caregivers to elders. But to avoid exacerbating tensions, it is important to disclose such arrangements to the entire family.

According to a report by the National Alliance for Caregiving and AARP, 43.5 million Americans looked after a friend or relative age 50 or older in 2009, 28% more than in 2004. In a survey conducted for Home Instead Senior Care, a home-care franchiser, nearly 7% of respondents said they receive compensation for providing care to a relative.

Jeffrey Bloom, an elder-law attorney in Boston, says the number of such cases in his practice has quadrupled since before the recession. "I have several clients with adult children who are out of work," he says. "Rather than pay someone else for care, many hire the child."

Feeding the trend: the high unemployment rate, the rising cost of nursing-home care, an aging population and a 2006 change in Medicaid law that makes it harder for people who wish to qualify to give away assets. (Individuals are subject to strict limits, which vary by state, on the value of their assets in order to qualify for Medicaid benefits.)

When caregivers make financial sacrifices, elder-law attorneys say, it is often appropriate to compensate them. Some 37% of caregivers surveyed by the NAC in 2007 said they had quit a job or reduced their hours to accommodate their responsibilities.

There are several ways to compensate a family caregiver. Attorneys say many families pay an hourly wage. As an estate-planning tactic, others opt for annual gifts or a lump-sum payment designed to cover services over an extended period. Some arrange for the caregiver to receive a larger inheritance.

Which option makes the most sense will depend on factors such as the caregiver's desire for income now versus later and the care recipient's estate-planning goals. Families also must consider tax consequences. And if a parent may need to rely on Medicaid to cover future nursing-home costs, it is important to pay the caregiver in a way that is permitted under Medicaid law.

Regardless of the method selected, elder-law attorneys urge clients to disclose these arrangements to the whole family. When revealed after the fact, compensation agreements can create suspicions that result in family conflicts or even estate litigation, says Howard Krooks, an elder-law attorney who practices in Boca Raton, Fla., and Rye Brook, N.Y. (To find an elder-law attorney familiar with your state's rules, go towww.elderlawanswers.com or www.naela.org.)

Under federal law, when annual compensation exceeds $1,700, an employer and employee each owe federal payroll taxes of 6.2% for Social Security and 1.45% for Medicare. The employer must generally also pay 6.2% on the first $7,000 in wages in federal and state unemployment tax, says Melissa Labant, a CPA with the American Institute of Certified Public Accountants. (For more information, see IRS Publication 926, "Household Employer's Tax Guide.")

In many cases, people employing someone 40 hours or more a week also are required to contribute to state workers' compensation insurance pools.

Some families prefer to give caregivers tax-free gifts in lieu of compensation. Current law allows people to give up to $13,000 a year to anyone, which also may reduce the amount of a taxable estate. While each person also is permitted to give away an additional $1 million over his lifetime, such gifts reduce the amount a donor can ultimately shelter from the estate tax.

Particularly in situations where a care recipient may eventually need to rely on Medicaid, attorneys say it is important to draft a written agreement—often called a "personal care contract"—that documents the caregiver's responsibilities and hours and sets a rate of pay in line with that of local service providers.

Under such a contract, Anne Stone, 51, received $420 a week for providing 21 hours of care to her wheelchair-bound father, William Stone, 81, from October 2008 until last February, when he entered a nursing home. Ms. Stone says the payments made up for some of the income she lost when caregiving responsibilities forced her to take time away from the doggie-day-care business she operates in Sudbury, Mass.

"I was taking so much time off from work that we had to turn business away," she says.

The payments had an unanticipated benefit: They also helped Mr. Stone deplete his savings so he could qualify for Medicaid. Without the employment contract, Medicaid would have considered all of the payments to Ms. Stone a gift made to hide assets, subjecting Mr. Stone to delays in coverage, says Mr. Bloom, the Stones' attorney. To pass muster with Medicaid, he says, it is important to have such a contract in place before the services are rendered.

Rather than issue regular paychecks, some families opt to pay caregivers an upfront lump sum, typically calculated by multiplying the caregiver's hourly wage by the number of hours he or she is expected to work over a parent's life expectancy. With such a move, a family can transfer assets to a child that Medicaid might otherwise deem available to pay a nursing home.

Still, in some states, says Mr. Krooks, lump-sum payments can trigger delays in Medicaid coverage.

Yahoo Finance

Seniors, The Information Gap and National Politics

	Greetings, Last month, I began a conversation here about the senior care information gap, October 2010 Message, and how we must derail this impending crisis. Without being an alarmist, it seems quite reasonable that if enough seniors find themselves suffering, whether physically or financially, because they were not well-informed about care options, they rightfully will demand solutions from elected officials. To be clear, seniors who choose inappropriate care options are not at fault, because senior care is a maze. Better information can assist them in finding the right care that serves their needs and preserves their dignity. So, government must embrace the duty of proactively initiating an education campaign that guides seniors and their families to the safest, most effective and least costly care options, such as nonmedical in-home care. My company tracks the vast senior care market, and this issue is most urgent. Our research reveals how little seniors and their adult children know about the senior care continuum beyond nursing home care-and how unaware families are about senior care costs and who pays the bills. The Home Instead Senior Care® white paper Seniors & the Information Gap  presents the depth of this problem. In January 2011, 78 million U.S. Baby Boomers begin retiring at a rate of more than 8,000 per day. Those retirees will redefine our nation, as the age wave is the most significant demographic shift since the 1890s' immigration wave. Because voters who rely on your leadership today will hold you accountable tomorrow, you can represent them effectively now by working toward closing the senior care information gap. The gray vote and the senior lobby, including AARP which encompasses 40 million U.S. members over the age of 50, exert considerable pressure on Washington, and they may look to Capitol Hill to solve the senior care information gap. One way to avoid miscommunication is a straightforward, national public-private senior care education campaign. Despite recession recovery challenges and enormous budget shortfalls, now is the ideal time to move forward and address the information gap because the in-home senior care industry actually creates jobs, protects private assets and preserves public revenue.  The Department of Health and Human Services' Administration on Aging appears to be the ideal federal organization to lead the campaign. I believe scores of state and city agencies as well as private sector entities, including Home Instead Senior Care, would participate. Possible platforms include: A reputable senior issues Web site with links to federal, state and local agencies. A series of public service announcements and social networking messages that build senior care awareness and drive people to fact-based resources. A volunteer speakers' bureau to connect knowledgeable presenters with the public. An outreach to opinion makers who will publicize the perils of the information gap. The ideas are endless, but we must begin. Please raise your voice about the senior care information gap and work toward favorable public policy to protect seniors. Sincerely, Paul R. Hogan Paul Hogan is Chairman & Founder of Home Instead Senior Care and, with his wife Lori, co-author of Stages of Senior Care: Your Step-by-Step Guide to Making the Best Decisions.

Caring for a difficult relative or other loved one

Try these strategies to remain effective and sane when you’re taking care of someone who’s difficult

Being a caregiver is never easy, but if you’ve spent much of your adult life trying just get along with a parent or another older adult you’re close to, being thrust into the role of his caregiver may be excruciating.

The bad news is that if he’s always been critical, grumpy, intrusive, or just plain mean, it’s unlikely that old age and poor health will improve his personality much. The good news is that as an adult, you’ve probably become more confident in yourself and have learned to deal with him more effectively — and if you haven’t, now is your chance to learn. Believe it or not, it’s possible to make your relationship work more smoothly so that you can help him through this stage of life.

Difficult people come in all varieties, from self-absorbed and demanding to angry and remote. Caregiving situations vary widely, too, of course: Your experience will be different depending on whether you’re providing daily care, supplying occasional care, or coordinating care from a distance. No single approach will address every dilemma, but the following tips should make caring for the person a little easier.

Getting started

You’ve had the double “oh no” moment — that is, it’s become clear that your parent or someone else you’re tied to needs help and that you have to take a greater role in his care, and this means you’ll be spending more time with someone you find difficult to be around. Perhaps you’ll need to help him move to a nursing home or arrange a treatment schedule for him after his cancer diagnosis. Whatever the details, the relationship you’ve had is about to change. Here are some steps you can take to ease the transition:

• Take time to prepare yourself. Faced with a crisis, it’s tempting to make decisions quickly without thinking them through. If you have a difficult relationship with your parent or someone else you’re caring for, the pressure is even more intense, and every decision is fraught. Try to spend some quiet time before you jump onto the caregiving roller coaster. Write in your journal, talk to friends, and think about what has made your relationship difficult in the past and how you can approach it differently this time.
• Line up support. It’s important to have buffers so you won’t be standing on the front line all by yourself. Meet with siblings, other relatives, or other friends who will be giving care so you can divide the labor early on, if possible.
• Bring in the experts. If you don’t have family support, you live far from the person you’re caring for, your relationship is explosive, or his situation is complicated, consider hiring a geriatric care manager. She can help by providing support and concrete advice about community resources, skilled nursing facilities, and other such topics. If you live far away, the manager can help you coordinate care from a distance. Take the time to find someone that you and the person you’re caring for both trust. If you find the right person, she’ll help you communicate more effectively with the person you’re caring for.
• Consider your own role. As you enter this new stage in your relationship with the person you’re caring for, it’s important to remember that you can’t control how he acts — but you can control how you respond. Take time to honestly consider your own role in the conflicts you’ve had in the past and think about how you can handle things differently. This might be a good time to see a counselor to sort through some of the guilt, fear, anger, and resentment that may have haunted your relationship — and likely compromised other relationships in your life as well.

Coping day to day

Once he’s settled and you’ve established a caregiving routine, he’s likely to resume his usual patterns of behavior — and may even become more difficult. Crises are frightening, but the long haul can be harder. It’ll probably last a lot longer, too. You may require additional strategies to help you care for him on a daily basis.

• Talk it through. Try addressing the situation directly as soon as problems arise. Say something like, “I know we’ve had problems getting along, but I’d like to do it differently from now on. Can we talk about how to do that?” Try to listen to what he has to say without getting defensive. Use “I statements” when you explain your experience (“I felt as if you were angry at me just now” rather than accusations such as “You act like you hate me”).
• Prepare to have your buttons pushed. If you consider the history of your relationship, you’ll likely find some recurring themes. Maybe your dad always compares you unfavorably to your siblings or blames you for your two failed marriages. Identify these common trigger points ahead of time and simply ignore him when he touches on them. Instead of reacting angrily or getting hurt, gently change the subject — as many times as you need to — until he gets it.
• Try something different. If your interactions are uniformly negative, think about how to change the dynamic. Are there less stressful ways that you can spend time together? If sitting together and talking usually ends in an argument, offer to clean his attic, weed his garden, or cook him a special meal. If you visit him at the nursing home and all he does is complain, suggest taking him out for a drive or lunch. Or take a tape recorder and interview him about his past. Read a book together, if he’s up to it, or help him put photos in an album as a legacy project. A tangible project that you can do together can help you be close without treading on perilous ground.
• Set boundaries. It’s important for anyone in a caregiving position to set and maintain solid boundaries, but this is especially true if you have a difficult relationship. If you’re clear about how much you’re able and willing to do and stick to that, you’ll be less susceptible to guilt trips and manipulative behavior. You can also set limits for how much emotional abuse you’ll put up with; if he won’t stop criticizing, maybe it’s time to go make yourself a cup of tea.
• Take care of yourself. If you’re spending a great deal of time with the person you’re caring for, make sure that you’re doing things to replenish yourself — body and soul. This will help you stay balanced and less reactive. Maintain a regular exercise regime to blow off steam, and arrange for regular weekends off and vacation time if you can. Some people find that being in nature or meditating helps them maintain their perspective.

If your schedule doesn’t permit regular breaks or time for yourself, you’re headed for burnout and you need to do something to remedy the situation. If no one in your family or community can step in, check with your local agency on aging to find out if there are any respite care services available.

• Join a support group. A caregiver support group gives you a place to unwind and share your story with people who are having similar experiences, which can be restorative.

• Seek counseling or mediation. If the person you’re caring for is able and willing, try seeing a counselor together. She can help you communicate more effectively and change some of the patterns that have poisoned your relationship.

• The tough get going. If you’ve tried everything and your interactions are uniformly unpleasant or worse, it’s time to consider other alternatives. Talk to family members or close friends and see if you can find ways to minimize your contact with the person. Offer to take on caregiving jobs that don’t require much interaction, such as paying bills or dropping off meals. If all family members have problematic relationships with the person, pitch in to hire someone, if you can afford it. Caregiving is bound to be hard, but no caregiver should be abused.

• Have reasonable expectations. With patience and lots of luck, you may be able to make a breakthrough in your relationship with the person you’re caring for. But it’s important to keep your expectations relatively low and to be willing to practice a little acceptance when things get rough.
  The fact is that most people don’t change much: He’s unlikely to grow substantially less difficult, no matter what you do. You could have years of caregiving ahead; if you go into it with an open heart, it can present an opportunity for growth and healing — despite the many frustrations along the way.

• Be open to a new relationship. In the movie The Savages, two adult children are wrenched from their respective lives and thrown together to care for their elderly father. The father was abusive and distant when they were young, and they haven’t seen him in years. The movie neither dwells on this history nor glosses over it, and there are no tearful reproaches, apologies, or reconciliations. The fact is that the father is now a confused and helpless old man — and his children rally to help him.
  In the same way, you may find that being a caregiver is different from being that person’s child or niece. No matter how flawed he is, in the end he’s still someone you’re connected with, and he needs your help.

Caring for a difficult older adult

Be a Santa to a Senior! Gift Requests Expected to Increase This Holiday as Economic Slump Continues

Be a Santa to a Senior! Gift Requests Expected to Increase This Holiday as Economic Slump Continues


Be a Santa to a Senior®, the popular campaign that has delivered 1.2 million gifts to needy seniors in the past six years, is gearing up again this holiday season during a time when seniors may need more of the bare necessities to survive.


 The Home Instead Senior Care® offi ce serving Burbank and Glendale has joined Providence St. Joseph’s Hospital, Joslyn Adult Center of Burbank, and others to pro-vide presents to seniors who otherwise might not receive a gift this holiday season.


Program sponsors expect gift requests to be up this year as the economic downturn continues and Social Security benefi ts fail to keep pace with daily living expenses. 


“Most people aren’t aware that there are literally hundreds, if not thousands, of seniors in every community who have no family and are alone,” said Gary Reid, owner of the Home Instead Senior Care offi ce serving Burbank and Glendale. “What’s more, this holiday season fi nds many older adults struggling to make ends meet.”


Prior to the holiday season, the par-ticipating local non-profi t organizations identify needy and isolated seniors in the community and provide those names to Home Instead Senior Care. Christmas trees, which will go up in local businesses on November 15th, feature ornaments with the fi rst names of the seniors and their respective gift requests. Holiday shoppers can pick up an ornament, buy items on the list and return them unwrapped to the store, with the ornament attached. Volunteers will then collect, wrap and deliver the gifts to area seniors. 


Burbank tree locations include Curves locations at 1090 San Fernando Rd. and 940 W. Alameda Ave.; Burbank Town Center, 201 E. Magnolia Blvd.; Burbank YMCA, 321 East Magnolia; Williams Chiropractic, 2811 W. Olive; Vintage Senior Living, 2721 Willow St.; as well as Michelle Bouse’s Boutique, 2110 Riverside Dr., Toluca Lake.


For more information about the program, call 818.843.8688 or log on to Be A Santa To A Senior